It’s Conference Sunday!

Which normally means no lesson. But it seems like this would be a good opportunity to address a gap in the church curriculum. There’s no lesson for the Song of Solomon. Never gets addressed.

Maybe that’s because Mormons have a complicated relationship with the Song of Solomon. Joseph Smith didn’t care for it much, saying

“the Songs of Solomon are not inspired writings.”

Joseph Fielding McConkie, a one-time professor of scripture at BYU, and owner of the most Mormon name ever (or even possible), said this:

Notwithstanding the inordinate efforts that have been made to make the light of the Spirit shine through it, the Song of Solomon does not give forth light nor is there a single spiritual truth to be found in it.

And an apostle, Mark E. Petersen, stapled the pages of the Song of Solomon shut in his bible so he wouldn’t look at it accidentally. During his life, he was an advocate for no nudity in marriage, and was tireless in his denunciation of enjoyment as a concept.

Here are all the naughty bits of the Song of Solomon, at least as far as my gutter mind could discern.

1:1 The song of songs, which is Solomon’s.
1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

Almost forgot: let us start with an opening hymn. This is the finest song ever to have been inspired by the Song of Solomon: Kiss Me by Stephen Duffy.

Be sure to check out his band ‘The Lilac Time’, if you care to.

We start out mild, with boobs.

1:13 A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.

Things get hot pretty quickly; as they always told us, light petting leads to other things. In this case, it’s oral sex.

2:3 As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

2:16 My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.

He describes parts of her body.

4:1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

See how far that one gets you.

4:2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
4:3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
4:4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
4:5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

More oral.

4:16 Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

Is this what I think it is? It can’t possibly.

5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

A bit of a lull here.

5:6 I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself,

Boobs again.

7:2 Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.
7:3 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.
7:7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
7:8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

There’s a sibling thing going on. That’s odd. Maybe she’s complaining that, because they’re not siblings, they’re not allowed to be together. I dunno.

8:1 O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.
8:2 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.
8:3 His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.
8:4 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please.

A comparison of breast size between her and her sister.

8:8 We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?
8:9 If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar.
8:10 I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

On that note, our closing hymn.

See you next week.